Jokes

1.
An Antartian woman came into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then she started to yell, "Yeah!" "Yeah!" Then five more Antartians came in and started to do the same thing. Then three more Antartians came in and one of them had a Barney puzzle. The bartender asked one of them, "Why are you yelling 'yeah yeah!'?" Then one responded, "We did this puzzle in three hours and it says 2-3 years."
2.
We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator.
Well, not long ago, Mrs. Jim Jr., her face buried in a map book, said "Turn here!" I did, and didn't notice the "No Left Turn" sign. Just my luck, a policeman was nearby and stopped me. I tried to explain that we were lost and I was following my wife's directions.
He issued me a ticket for "Driving Under the Influence of Wife."
3.
This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”
4.
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

5.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him. He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, "What you think?"

The Lone Ranger replies reassuringly, "Well, Tonto, it's like this, God gives us miracles in life. Each day is a new beginning, just like every night there's a new star in the sky. What do you think?"

Tonto looks at him, confused and says, "Tonto think someone stole tent."